Forced to fake it, I forgot how it is to be honest about myself. I don’t want to go outside, but I must go to work everyday, deal with a dozen of people daily and I have to be nice and smile because I just have to. People respond good to smiles. And I’ve lost myself in that fake putrid smile. Ain’t that cruel? Lying to a stranger with no reason? Somehow I feel like I’ve walked through this emotion a hundred times already…
It’s getting cold. My feet are cold, my skin feels dry. I don’t have the energy to keep on going, to keep on moving. I wish my cells would take a rest and just let me sleep.
Where are all the things I used to believe in? I’ve become a stranger even to myself. I am so lost in these feelings, yet I cannot find the correct words to portray them. I forgot everything. I forgot about all the things that used to matter most. I forgot how it was to enjoy getting out of my head. It’s been so long since I talked to someone about how I really feel, what really scares me, where and how it hurts. It’s been years since I’ve had a friend like that. A friend that would not judge or yell at me saying it’s all my fault. A friend that would just listen and walk beside me. A friend that would not belittle me. A friend with whom I can laugh while my tears are streaming down my face.
God, I miss that winter when I screamed my pain away while laughing and rolling in the snow. I miss who I used to be, with all the grief and sadness… Those times feel like pure bliss compared to the chaos I am in now. I have lost my direction. I see no paths ahead of me or around me. I see nothing. I see no one. I don’t recognize myself. I feel completely hopeless.
I just lie to myself everyday and roam aimlessly through life… missing some place that doesn’t even exist.