Unable to reason with my own mind

There was a time when I thought I would never enjoy anything again. It took me years to get out of there and I hoped I would never go back. Now, after almost two weeks of being a complete waste of space I feel terrified of the darkness around me. It’s closing in and it’s taken form. It became an entity by itself.

I know I’m dramatizing, I’m well aware, but this is how living in my mind looks like right now. A complete drama. Everything feels like threat. I can’t run from it because my legs are made of lead. My hands are shackled. My entire body feels heavy. I’m amazed I can still carry myself to the bathroom. How can I reason with my mind when, if I really squeeze my eyes and focus, I can see that there is nothing threatening me and there is no real reason to be in this horrible state? Why do I have to live with this creature on the back of my neck, always weighing me down?

Why is it always harder to fight against myself? I know that this will pass at some point. But so does happiness and everything else. I find this cycle kind of pointless. Everything seems pointless. Therefore, I’m getting out of here. To search for sense. To remember what used to be good. To find what feels good.

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