“It is not uncommon for people to spend their whole life waiting to start living.”Eckhart Tolle – “The Power of Now”
You can make choices, but you can’t decide the consequences.
I thought about quitting my job for a long time, way before the pandemic started. I was unhappy because I wasn’t doing what I’ve always dreamed of. I was unhappy because, even in my own head, my dream sounded silly and everyone around me kept telling me to get my head out of the clouds, it’s never going to happen, get a real job, blah blah blah.
Also, what kept me from doing it was my fear of taking everything from the beginning, meeting new people, readjusting to another schedule, changing my routine, getting out of my comfort zone. Plus, I was getting along pretty well with my colleagues and my boss and I felt relaxed in their presence.
But I wasn’t doing the things I believe I’m made for. I believe I settled for less than I deserve. I believe I can be more, do more, learn more. I had no passion, no freedom in my life, despite the stability of the job.
From the beginning of January I kept playing with the idea of, finally, taking the big decision to try something new, something that could bring me closer to where I want to be in my life. And because I’m a Libra (probably not the real reason), it takes me ages before I decide on something, especially when I know it will affect, not only my future, but those around me too. I knew that this could change my overall life.
After four months of twisting and turning and over analyzing every possible outcome that crossed my mind, I talked to my boss and handed him my resignation. Having taken the decision of finally doing it freed my mind from the torment of thoughts that were constantly bashing through my skull. In a few hours I forgot everything! It was at closing time when I saw, by accident, the piece of paper with my name on it and signature and remembered what I’d done.
I couldn’t believe it! Anxiety rushed over me: what happens now?! I kind of panicked. I felt afraid, unsafe. What if what I did was wrong? But I also felt excited, thinking that maybe I’m ready for this, maybe I’m strong enough or more goal oriented to actually make it work. And wouldn’t it have been more disappointing and sad if I had never tried it?
Of course, a lot of new scenarios and questions popped into my mind. What if I realize I’m not good enough at doing what I dream of? What if the timing is bad and I’ll just sink deeper into feeling like a failure? What if I get a lot of rejections (only, being me, two would suffice) and I’ll give up?
Well, the only way to find out is to live and better to try and fail than not try at all. I believe living with regrets hurts the most. I keep repeating this to myself because failing does not seem like an option, really. I’m not actually financially secured, not for a long time anyway.
I’m anxious and excited in the same time. It’s a little tiresome, but there’s no turning back now, not that I want to.
Where will life lead me to from now on? What does the future hold?