The days are growing colder at a faster pace than usual. I usually go directly home after work, sometimes making a detour to the market, and I’m always on the phone with my sister while I walk. And I realized I don’t pay any attention to what’s around me at all. People are just mere shadows passing me by, the cars only metal boxes I have to avoid. I don’t look at the road I’m walking on or the way the trees changed colors. I get so absorbed into arriving home faster that everything around me gets blurred.
I work with people every day and it gets exhausting. They are incredibly demanding and I get tired of listening to their stories, but being polite and patient makes them feel so important. It takes little to no energy to show them a bit of attention, but doing this every day with 20 to 50 different persons is taking the life out of me. Whenever I get home I’m too tired to do anything meaningful, like writing or painting.
I’m thinking of making a change, maybe try some other routes back home and look around the city some more, observe the changes, look at the people around me. It’s been so long since I took a walk around the city just for the sake of the walk. I’m always going somewhere, always on a rush. I want to slow down a little bit, breath more, walk slower, be more fluid. I have so many things I want to achieve throughout the day that I became as rigid as concrete. Everything is scheduled and if I don’t accomplish every task I have for the day I get frustrated. I find it difficult to relax and I can’t remember when was the last time I had stayed in bed all day without any thoughts or cares. There’s always something that has to be done and staying in bed feels like such a waste. Although, I feel it in my bones I need it.
Somehow, things feel gloomy. Maybe because I’m tired, maybe because the seasons are changing, the sudden drop in temperature, the constant humidity, the shortening of daylight. These days I’m completely unaware of my surroundings. And the worst thing of all is that I fear I’m wasting time…