I had a friend once. A very close friend.
She was insecure and terrified of making mistakes. Sometimes, she was only a ghost watching the world through a dirty window. Everything seemed so far away from her as if she lived on a remote island. She felt insignificant, just another grain of sand in the vast universe.
She was gullible, she believed in the goodness of people too much and got deceived. She didn’t believe in herself, though, but she always looked up at the sky wishing she could hold a star in her hand.
She was curious and eager to learn. She studied the Japanese language and culture, learned about the constellations and stars, read a lot about theories and conspiracy, and discovered that there is a world behind the world. She spent a lot of time reading in her room and taking long walks in the cemetery.
She had a lot of great friends, but she always preferred being by herself. She always thought of herself as not being good enough and spent her time trying to improve. She never talked much, but you’d always find something fascinating to discuss with her. She was interested in things most people her age didn’t care about or didn’t even know existed.
She was set up to find out if we really have a soul or if we are merely biological machines. She was scared by the idea that the spirit may not exist, and she needed proof. She watched every documentary about all the religions, about the universe and evolution, about how the human mind works, and mental illness. She wished she could eradicate death and body decay.
She wished she could travel through space and tried to learn astrophysics. She was aiming high, way too high. She was the shooting star in the sky, bright and shiny, that eventually extinguished. Over the years, she began to see the world as a grim place, full of zombies and decaying corpses, until she became one of them.
This friend I’m talking about is me from 16 years ago, a friend I lost, but want to bring back to life. Back then, I thought she was lame and weak, but now I admire her eagerness to learn, her determination to discover the hidden secrets of the world, and her desire to flee from ignorance and lies.
Now I miss her and I feel she’s lost, floating aimlessly through dark matter, but she’s not completely gone. She is patiently and quietly waiting to be found once more.