When was a time when you thought you were going to die?

I’ve been through accidents, but not quite life-threatening. The most serious one happened when I was on my first trip to Italy. I was traveling by bus with my whole family and it happened on the first out of the two nights on the road. I was by the window, my father was next to me on the left seat, sleeping. My mother and sister were on the seats behind us, also asleep. It was somewhere past 3 in the morning, and almost everybody on that bus was asleep. Including the driver.

Despite feeling extremely tired, I couldn’t sleep. Instead, I was alert, anxious. I felt that something was wrong but I couldn’t put my finger on it. Until I saw what appeared to be a truck coming towards us, or, actually, we were going towards it. We smashed hard. People fell all over the bus, tumbling. The instant I saw the truck I stood up and tightly hugged the seat in front of me. The driver got injured pretty bad. I remember the blood over the windscreen, but the passengers were all right, maybe got some bruises, but no more than that and a good scare.

Despite knowing that things could’ve gone way worse, and it was already bad as it were, I felt pretty calm. I hadn’t been struck by that deep fear of dying or the survival instinct. I kept my composure in all the accidents I’ve been through, even when I fell off with the motorcycle.

BUT.

Things that made me believe I was about to die came from the inside, from deep inside my chest. And that pain was indeed unbearable. When I heard about the death of someone incredibly dear to me, my heart exploded and in the middle of my chest grew a large black hole that sucked my ribs in. I was 15 and that pain never left me.

I thought I wouldn’t survive that. And I believe I, also, didn’t want to. Everything inside me disintegrated, I couldn’t breathe, and, perhaps from the shock, I imagined my heart stopped and turned into dust. The wailing that came out from my chest and throat sounded like the screaming souls trapped in Hell. Barely any air came out from my mouth, but the sound was excruciating. I thought I would die right then.

I hadn’t, but I heard stories about people who died after a shock like this, their hearts suddenly stopping. Looks like I had a strong one. And, so, life went on. Limping, but it continues to this day.