When you don’t feel like a real person

The most important relationship you have is the one you have with yourself. But what happens when you look in the mirror and you can’t even recognize the person staring back at you? What happens when you don’t like what you’re seeing and begin to hate what you’ve become?

You check in with your bones, make sure they are intact. You know for a fact that there’s blood pumping in your veins, you feel, you think, therefore you exist, right? But you don’t really feel it. It’s as if you’re floating somewhere outside your body.

Photo by Sergey Katyshkin on Pexels.com

I’ve been fighting with weird thoughts and emotions for a while now. My regrets began to chase after me and force me to face my inner demons. Instead of focusing on things that could improve the quality of my life, I’m beating myself up over the bad decisions I’ve made in the past. Insecurities, fear of failure and of getting rejected made me choose only soul-sucking jobs, believing I’m not good enough or smart enough or able enough. I chose things that are easier to complete, easier to learn or easier to perfect. I’ve never been in a competition because I thought I’d always lose, never been on my own in new places because I feared I wouldn’t even know which way the door opens. Social anxiety at its peak. Never discovered my strengths because I believed I have none. Even after living for so many years I still don’t know what I’m good at. And my insecurities are getting more intense.

I am slowly dissolving in my own poison. I look at myself and I feel non-existent. I’m a ghost that haunts the house I live in and the people around me. I’m adding no meaning to anything and anyone.

I want to be real. I want to be remembered. I want to die knowing that I’ve been more than just a waste of breath.

I thought a lot about solutions, about what can I do to improve the quality of my life and believe in myself. I think I have to change the way I choose. By now, I should’ve learned what doesn’t work for me and I should do the exact opposite, do the things I’ve been avoiding out of fear. Easier said than done when you’re afraid even of the fear itself. Does that make any sense?

Change… It sounds extremely scary when you don’t have a strong foundation to support you. Stepping on air is risky.

Will I ever become real?