I often complained about how exhausted I felt in my previous job, how much working with people drained me of every bit of energy and the will of being alive. I felt so overwhelmed, that during the weekends I would shut myself inside the house and refused to see another human being until Monday.
Having trouble sleeping, I often felt tired and void of life, but I had to put on a smile, bottle it all up and go to work as if nothing was wrong. I was supposed to greet the clients and assist them joyfully as if I existed only for their needs, while on the inside I was crumbling.
I’ve dealt with depression for years. I used to stay in bed for days because I felt miserable, unworthy, meaningless. Life didn’t have or make any sense. I spent most of my twenties crying and wishing I was somebody else. I went from no eating to eating too much because food didn’t have any taste anymore. I didn’t know if I was hungry or full.
Sometimes I’d sleep for days, sometimes I couldn’t sleep at all. During my university years I missed so many classes because I just couldn’t get out of bed. Nobody even suspected that I had problems because I’m a fairly quick learner and I like studying, so I took all of my exams rather easily.
I didn’t get any help, I didn’t want to talk to anybody. I dragged myself out of the dark by myself. It was difficult and painful. Excruciating. I don’t ever want to go back there. That’s why, whenever I feel the lights slowly dimming, I do everything I can to shield myself from feeling that pain again.
Identifying that there is a problem
As I said in my previous post, I had two consecutive bad days because of my boss and because my application for another job got rejected. I was feeling so low that, again, I didn’t feel like eating. I knew this was wrong. So, I made the effort to drag my ass out of bed and go to the kitchen. Just staying on my feet and chopping veggies took my mind off things for a while. I ate and had some tea, but my mood didn’t change much. I went back to randomly watching YouTube videos.
I didn’t want that. But I didn’t want to waste time and let myself drown, either. Therefore, I forced myself into 30 minutes of physical exercises. It helped a little, especially those 10 minutes of rope skipping that got me so sweaty and short of breath. No more angry thoughts filling my head, I could only concentrate on breathing. Even so, it still wasn’t enough to raise my mood.
The best way to cleanse my thoughts and my body is to soak in a hot salt bath with Japanese pine fragrance. You should definitely do it at least once a week because it’s amazing! Or you could try a bubble bath, it almost has the same rejuvenating effect. I like salt baths more. Anyway, I set my timer for 10 minutes because I, also, put a mud facial mask on and I let myself enjoy the warmth of the water, the silence and the fresh pine scent. What can I say? The darkness in me is stronger and it created layer after layer of poisonous cells inside my body, but I was beginning to feel better, still not enough, but my mood was improving.
Not wanting the bad thoughts to return, I figured I should replace them. With what, you ask? With a good book, of course! One of my comfort books is “Extremely loud and incredibly close” by Jonathan Safran Foer, but yesterday I went for “Bookworm: A Memoir of Childhood Reading” by Lucy Mangan. If I don’t feel like reading, I also have some comfort movies such as “13 going on 30”, “Julie and Julia”, “Coraline” or almost every movie with Robin Williams. Or the Neflix (unfortunately) cancelled series “I am not OK with this”.
You see, it’s not easy, but you should acknowledge that no matter how bad things are, you should fight your way out. Yes, it’s easier to let yourself drown. I’ve been there. I found comfort in pain, but only because I didn’t know something better existed in the future, for me. Now that I know, I don’t want to let myself get buried again. I believe I lived enough in the dark and every time I sense its presence, I do whatever is possible to keep myself from going back there.
So, wherever you are, fight for your well being.
The future is uncertain.
You’ll never know where life can take you if you don’t start living.