Ugh! I’m back at square one…

I had an awful day yesterday. The anxiety is back, the anger is back and I’ve wasted two whole days (yesterday and today) feeling vulnerable and insecure.

I went to meet up with my boss because he told me I have to rewrite my resignation paper. Initially, my contract was supposed to end on the May 20th, but he changed his mind. It doesn’t matter the reasons, I can shortly tell you that he was wrong about something, I proved him otherwise and he, probably, didn’t like that very much. After I signed the papers, I reminded him he still didn’t pay me for the last month. He quickly said I’ll get the money tomorrow (meaning today) and he had to leave for another meeting. Also, he said I’ll get less money because I took two extra days off, blah blah blah. And he left, leaving me there without a chance to respond. What was once an understanding and somehow reliable person, was now a douchebag. He said he’ll give me a call when I can come get my paycheck. It’s almost 5 pm and I still didn’t get any calls.

On top of that, I got my first rejection email from one of the companies I sent my resume to. And it was the best job offer I found…

Of course, because of all these events, my whole day was ruined. I had another bad night sleep. I woke up after having a nightmare. I was somewhere in the woods, I recognized it as the place I often go camping, it was dark and something took me. I felt so afraid, I wanted to wake up and I was trapped between being awake and dreaming. And in my dream I was screaming, while in my bed I was making these noises that were coming out from my throat. I heard my voice from both my dream and reality and I woke up.

It was a little after 4 am, my head started to hurt. I went to the kitchen and took a pill, but even after taking it, the pain didn’t go away. I, probably, kind of fell asleep around 6 and I stayed in bed until 7:30. I spent the entire day waiting for that call and watching YouTube videos. I didn’t even feel like eating. I exercised for half an hour, took a salt bath, in the hope that it will make me feel better. It didn’t.

It may be because of the lack of sleep, it may be because of the weather (it’s cold, windy and rainy), it may be because of how things went yesterday, but I feel so unmotivated… And it took so little to bring me down…

Even so, that rejection email shows that I did something, I moved, I wanted to reach something. So, here’s to many other rejections, until I’ll find my pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. I’d be ashamed of myself if I gave up this easily.

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