This is my third day of being unemployed and you know what? It doesn’t feel that scary anymore. Not yet, anyway. I’ve found out that I constantly had some kind of anxiety. I was unable to have a good night sleep because I knew my alarm would go off at some point and I had to get myself ready for a new day (or, rather, the same day on repeat).
Now, I had three full nights of sleep!! No more waking up during the night, overthinking and planning for the day to come or over analyzing every action and reaction I had on the day before! It’s been so looooong since I slept so well! I still wake up at the same time, around 6:30 – 7 am, but I feel more energized and I can visibly see how my dark circles are slowly disappearing.
Also, having so much time on my hand right now, unlocked my mind and I can write freely, no time restrictions or the constantly nagging voice in my head saying: “Put something on that page quickly! Can’t you think of something? Come on! You’re running out of time!” And so I would stare at the blank page for half an hour or more, before putting a few lines that didn’t even make sense, and another alarm would go off telling me it’s time to get dressed and go to the “real” job.
Now that I freed my mind from this confinement, I find it easier to manifest my thoughts on paper.
As I love handwriting, I write everything on my notebooks before typing it and putting it online. I also love writing with a fountain pen, but these days I ditched it and replaced it with a ballpoint pen because the fountain pen couldn’t keep up with my hand! I am thrilled!
Anyway. I was always complaining about not having enough time or being really bad at time management and prioritizing and I believe my procrastination comes from constantly feeling mentally exhausted. Being freed from the anxiety of always keeping an eye on the watch as every task had a specific time set to complete it, I feel more relaxed and my mind works more fluidly.
But don’t think I’m lazying around. I started taking some online classes on Skillshare, I registered on Upwork and Freelancer and I sent some resumes for full time jobs (although I would like a little break from that for a while). Also, because I like books so much, I had the (awesome) idea to start designing bookmarks.
These past mornings were amazing. I woke up and looked at the day ahead with delight and I did every action I planned because I wanted to, not because I had to. And, still, there’s this voice in the back of my head: will this work out for me?
Writing, Reading, Living, but mostly Hiding 