Meltdown

I’m such a mess, again.

Having a meltdown, again. Everything inside me screams “Just do something with your life! Something meaningful!” I want to write more, read more, travel more, learn more. Would that be a meaningful way to live my life? Would that bring me satisfaction?

Having a full day job and, especially, working with people is so exhausting, it drains me out of every bit of energy. I don’t think is my job’s fault, I believe it’s because I’m tired of people, of conversation without sense, of lying that I like someone or something that I don’t. Because you have to be nice to people even when you don’t like them. Such bullshit!

I’m taking things too seriously and I get anxious and frustrated when I can’t finish what I started, I snap at everyone around me even when it is my fault. When something happens, no matter how small or insignificant, I react as if the whole world is coming apart. It makes me feel so rigid, concrete-like, and I can’t think clearly and I say things I don’t mean or I say things I mean but should’ve kept them inside my head.

I feel like I’m not in control of anything. My life, my thoughts, my actions… everything is messed up.

And with the writing… Even if there’s so much going on in my mind, it’s like I have nothing to say. I open my notebook and I can’t focus on anything. Anything worth writing, anyway. It’s so frustrating…

I’m wasting time and I don’t want to do this anymore. I want to do something that has meaning.

I’m always complaining about not having enough time. Maybe I’m bad at time management, maybe I can’t set my priorities straight. Ah… Maybe this, maybe that… I feel so tired. And this feeling inside me, the screams that I bottle up. For how much longer will I be able to keep the lid on and hide behind a fake smile?

4 Comments Add yours

  1. t.dot says:

    I sooooo hear you girl!!! Try and hang in there. And honestly, take a minute and breathe, meditate if you can…and really really think about what would make you the happiest if you could single minded you pursue it. And then figure out a plan to make it happen! Don’t worry about the HOW right now, just think about the WHAT. Sounds simple…cuz it really is. But it took me a long time to get here, lol, so I totally get it! Love your blog. Your love mind. You got this! Trust yourself. 💕

    Liked by 1 person

    1. moonraven44 says:

      thank you for taking the time to send me such kind thoughts. I took some days off to calm myself and spend some time alone, but it makes me anxious to know that on Monday I’ll have to get out of my cocoon and continue from where I left off…

      Liked by 1 person

      1. t.dot says:

        I can relate. I truly can. Baby steps tho sweetie. Take it one breath, one minute, one hour at a time and don’t beat yourself up if you have a bad moment. It will pass and you’ll be in to the next. Trust in the universe and that there’s a greater plan at work. You may not understand it all right now, but all this anxiety and stress is teaching you something and one day you may even be grateful for the lesson. I’m not religious at all but I am spiritual and I sincerely believe what I’m telling you. You’re gonna be okay kiddo. One breath in and one breath out. Monday is just another day, and sometimes that’s how we get thru all the crazy in our heads and the shit outside of it – by knowing that one day all these Mondays and Tuesdays and Wednesdays and… lol you get the idea 😉 – won’t mean a thing. Dance and celebrate yourself every day! And f*ck those who can’t get on board. They’re the unlucky ones. You and I know the truth. Life is good! Get excited about yours again and screw the people and all their bullshit! Sending lots of good vibes and peace your way! 🙏🏽❤️

        Liked by 1 person

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