I’m such a mess, again.
Having a meltdown, again. Everything inside me screams “Just do something with your life! Something meaningful!” I want to write more, read more, travel more, learn more. Would that be a meaningful way to live my life? Would that bring me satisfaction?
Having a full day job and, especially, working with people is so exhausting, it drains me out of every bit of energy. I don’t think is my job’s fault, I believe it’s because I’m tired of people, of conversation without sense, of lying that I like someone or something that I don’t. Because you have to be nice to people even when you don’t like them. Such bullshit!
I’m taking things too seriously and I get anxious and frustrated when I can’t finish what I started, I snap at everyone around me even when it is my fault. When something happens, no matter how small or insignificant, I react as if the whole world is coming apart. It makes me feel so rigid, concrete-like, and I can’t think clearly and I say things I don’t mean or I say things I mean but should’ve kept them inside my head.
I feel like I’m not in control of anything. My life, my thoughts, my actions… everything is messed up.
And with the writing… Even if there’s so much going on in my mind, it’s like I have nothing to say. I open my notebook and I can’t focus on anything. Anything worth writing, anyway. It’s so frustrating…
I’m wasting time and I don’t want to do this anymore. I want to do something that has meaning.
I’m always complaining about not having enough time. Maybe I’m bad at time management, maybe I can’t set my priorities straight. Ah… Maybe this, maybe that… I feel so tired. And this feeling inside me, the screams that I bottle up. For how much longer will I be able to keep the lid on and hide behind a fake smile?