Tuesday Thoughts

The days are passing quicker now or maybe I’m just imagining things. An hour doesn’t feel like more than somewhere about 15 minutes… I wake up at 7 a.m. and before I know it it’s already dinner time. The length of the day shortens, the mornings are cooler (which I enjoy) and my body begins to adapt to a new energetic frequency. Time flows different during this month. Every September feels this way. Maybe because my birthday is approaching, but things begin to feel a bit sadder, although this is my favorite month and my favorite season. Every year it’s the same: I get disappointed with myself to the point of hating myself for not taking any real action towards my goals, for indulging in procrastination, laziness and a comfort zone that blocks me from growing.

I am the type of person who waits for the things to feel right before starting something, to fall into place before taking any decisions, but time is a merciless monster that is munching on my soul and my frail dreams. Every year leaves me dissatisfied and unfulfilled and, despite being aware that this is only the outcome of my own actions, I am unable to make myself get out of this dark place. Like I said, I am waiting for the things to feel right, but time isn’t my friend. Actually, time is nobody’s friend. And it terrifies me to know that my body is slowly losing strength and health and before I’ll know it, I’ll be unable to move myself the way I can do it now.

I look at the people around me and wonder if they feel the same. I see them doing the same things over and over again, on repeat. They aren’t enjoying themselves, their lives, their bodies, their minds. They stop learning and discovering new things. They are looking only at their feat instead of the sky. I fear I’m becoming one of them. This constant waiting makes me forget what I’m here for or the purpose I chose for myself. I’m trying so hard to snap out of it. In the back of my mind there’s this thought that there’s no life after 30. I still have a while until I’ll hit that, but it terrifies me. Getting old terrifies me. Knowing that one day I’ll get erased from the face of the Earth as if I never even existed scares me to death. What can I do? What should I do? Because nothing I do seems sufficient enough and my energy levels get lower and lower and I sink in despair.

I try to take my mind off things, but these thoughts and feeling resurface more often than ever and I get anxious and sad, unable to move…

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