Under the blues

Pain comes in all forms. The small twinge, a bit of soreness, the random pain, the normal pains we live with every day.

Then there is the kind of pain you can’t ignore. A level of pain so great that it blocks out everything else. Makes the rest of the world fade away. Until all we can think about is how much we hurt. How we manage our pain is up to us. We anesthetize, we ride it out, embrace it, ignore it and for some of us, the best way to manage pain is to just push through it.

Meredith Grey – Grey’s Anatomy

I can finally get a full night sleep. I’m either too tired or too relaxed. I wake up refreshed in the morning, but as soon as the day starts my mind gets clouded by the desire to be free of responsibilities, at least for a while.

I long for a long trip on the motorcycle, get away from the city, from all the people, from my crowded thoughts. I want to sit on the riverside and savour a good cup of coffee, listening to the murmur of the water, watch it run from one side to the other, sparkling in the sun. I want to feel the smell of grass and wet earth. then feel the wind rushing through me while being on the road.

There are times when it gets too clustered inside my head. Those pesky voices telling me I’m not good enough, I haven’t done enough, I’m just another waste of breath. I admit I’m not pleased with myself. I wish I could do more, but I’m lacking the drive. I can’t feel that sparkle. Someone, please, pour some fuel over my dreams so I can set them on fire.

This weekend we had some friends over and we were having barbecue and, perhaps, a bit too much wine and beer, when it hit me. It went all through my body, from head to toe, burning me from the inside out, like I’d been struck by lightning. The pain in my chest rose from to an unsafe level and my tears were streaming down my face rapidly. I locked myself in the bathroom, unable to stop crying. At one point I looked at myself in the mirror, quite annoyed, wondering when would it end. I almost laughed at myself, at my stupidity: one moment ago I was laughing, having a good time with a bunch of good people and now I was crying my eyes out, just out of the blue, because I feel I’m getting old, time passes me by and I haven’t achieved even a quarter of a quarter of my dreams and goals.

That wasn’t the time to feel so miserable, so tormented by my own unfulfilled desires. But day after day it kept building up. I am grateful for what I have, only, this black hole inside of me is getting bigger and bigger, ready to swallow me up…