“So maybe tomorrow
I’ll find my way home”
On my 17th year of youth my idea of Home was quite different from the usual thing most people feel. It wasn’t the city I was living in, it wasn’t my parents’ apartment or the room assigned solely to me, that sacred place I had created for myself where I could feel safe and true. No. Home was someplace else. I didn’t know where, but that Summer, whenever I looked up at the sky, I felt that Home was somewhere between the stars.
Maybe because I wished to run away, to escape from the pain that surrounded me… All I thought about, while watching that big silvery full moon reflected on the surface of the river, was that my spirit belonged to a place I either have forgotten or I’ve been taken away from, without my consent.
I thought life on Earth was merely a dream and waking up meant to be back in my real home-land, a place free from misery and despair.
I was dreaming of place where stars were closer, where I could live my adult life between them, becoming one with them, expanding my energy, my consciousness and become so vast until I could encompass the whole universe. I believed that the three dimensional world is full of death and agony and I wished to escape that. I believed I belonged to a higher place, away from this heavy, spirit-crushing world.
Little did I know that, over the years, I’d give up and let myself get pulverized by this reality’s excruciating weight until dreaming of the stars would become nothing more than pure stupidity.
All of my beliefs crumbled in front of my eyes. I could see no stars anymore, could believe no more stories about being being boundless and absorbing the Knowledge and Memory of Mother Earth. I became a bag of bones stuffed in a cheap wooden coffin. I buried myself away from the world. Instead of getting high up in the sky and dance like a mermaid in a sea full of stars, I sank into the depths of despair, let myself drown in my own venom and become as bitter as Wormwood.
Drenched in sorrow, I became hollow inside. Life evaporated and every dream turned to sand.
I had spent weeks in bed wishing I wouldn’t have to wake up again. Life passed me by, the most beautiful years of my youth dissipated. I was tormented by the darkest thoughts you can imagine.
But I survived.
I could barely move my legs, but I walked, slowly, pushing myself through the darkness I surrounded myself with.
And here I am today, 5 years later, mountain trekking, trying new heights, absorbing the forest through every pore on my body, inhaling – expanding my lungs, exhaling – making space for new experiences. Step by step, I’m making my way to higher grounds, ready to create new dreams, ready to hope again, ready to meet the stars.
So don’t give up. Don’t let the pain suffocate you.
Let it all pass through you, but don’t let it kill you. A new horizon will appear before you and even if the sun seems to have disappeared, a full moon will eventually rise and throw her silvery light down your path, leading you out of the darkness.