Struggling to maintain what’s left

My mind is floating somewhere above me, my eyes feel heavy, although I didn’t get a good night sleep in over two months now. I feel so tired, but when the anxiety hits, the mind starts racing. Being dragged through a world of hurt, through years of suffering, leaves you with deep, big scars. You never get out of the darkness, the memories are never erased and are impossible to replace. Making it out alive doesn’t mean the end of it. As Jonathan Safran Foer puts it, ” The end of suffering does not justify the suffering, and so there is no end to suffering.”

I would like very much to go somewhere. Anywhere. Get away from my mind, from myself, from the nightmares that remind me of how cold and empty I’ve become. I can’t even look in the mirror.

Maybe if I set myself on fire, the heat will crack open my soul. Miles and miles of dark thoughts piled up over me. I could give you a million reasons why the world should end. I could picture a million more ways idiots like me should disappear. Shitheads that don’t appreciate what they have, that complain about everything and do nothing to change. Dreams turning to rust… But tell me, how can I see beauty when my brain is bathing in vitriol, when my body is marinated in cortisol?

I get closer o the mirror and try to look into those small dark brown eyes. Am I in there somewhere? If I had bigger eyes would I perceive more of this world? Every time I see color and and life around me, my mind immediately turns the image into something dark and twisted… I see no escape.

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