Really nothing

  Something’s running through my head and I don’t know what it is. This feeling of fear, insecurity and… how should I call it?… lostness?? is that even a word?! I don’t know. I don’t care. Something is missing. I know what it is, but I can do nothing about it. And it’s eating me alive. This hole inside of me… it grows larger and larger whenever he’s not around, whenever we’re apart. This is bullshit… I mean… I shouldn’t complain, I shouldn’t even bring this up. Things happened. Bad things. And now… these are just the consequences… “the poetic justice of cause and effect”, isn’t it? Well… I know, I understand, but this doesn’t take away the feeling of despair and agony. 
   And the dreams… Those weird dreams that I remember clearly in the morning, but I forget the images soon after I’m awake. Although the feelings keep haunting me the whole day… Fear, anxiety, despair. The belief that I don’t belong here . I want to go Home. He’s my Home. I belong there.
    But maybe this isn’t about me. Maybe this is about something else. Something like a hidden world, something that’s somewhere behind me. That something that I often feel touching me in the dark, or whenever I’m about to Awake, when all of those thoughts are engulfing my head, covering my ears, sawing my eyes, filling my mouth with blood. And, with my hand shivering, I try to keep myself together and make it through the day.

   Always waiting, never listening, never paying attention… forever blind. How come I can never see?

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