His father had a sad and painful death. It’s been almost 5 months now and I’m still unable to deal with it. He had pancreatic cancer, discovered too late. From the pancreas it spread to the liver, then it started to eat up his lungs, then moved on to the muscles and bones. A terrifying way to die. Eaten up from the inside out. In just a matter of weeks, your life, your time, your memories taken away. What a cruel way to die.
How did this happen? Why? Why do horrible things happen to good people? His death made me question life even more. His death made me trust life even less.
What is the point of it all? Are we just mere biological machines?
We were with him on his last two days of breath and he was screaming in pain. We had tried to sooth his suffering. We didn’t know it was all done.
December 26th was the last day we’ve heard his voice. I remember him saying something about leaving, about getting dressed to go on the road. He told us to bring a bigger blanket so we can all fit through a larger hole. We thought it was all just gibberish, maybe his mind got stuck on a certain memory. He asked us what day was it, what time. I wonder how did time feel for him? It all began at the end of August and now it was the end of December. He had stopped eating for a while by then. He couldn’t move and anywhere we’d touch hurt him.
December 27th was the last day. He wasn’t moving, he couldn’t even close his mouth, he was barely breathing. Long pauses, short breaths. It was painful even to watch. We left the room for a few minutes. I think he chose to die alone…
No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don’t want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life’s change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new.